Lasting Pain, Sleepless Nights
by TurquoiseRose16
Summary: James has a hidden past that still haunts him to this day. The other guys don't know, but when problems present themselves, will they be willing to help him through the pain? Better than it sounds. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

I lay awake, unable to sleep for what feels like the hundredth night. I stared at the ceiling becoming more aware of the noises that plagued my sleepless nights, with memories of pain and fear. I sighed and rolled over. I shut my eyes and let the memories replay themselves in my mind. I was seven years old when I found out I would soon have a new baby brother. I was excited like any child would be for the arrival of a new member of the family. But, when the day came that I would meet my new sibling, something changed. My parents started to ignore me. Yell at me. Hit me. I didn't understand at the time. I asked what I did, and they replied saying I had been born. They said that they only wanted to keep Cameron, my brother, and they wish they could just get rid of me once and for all. I never hated my brother for their choice; I still loved him yet envied him at the same time for the love that I wish they showed me once again. They didn't just ignore me; they left me alone at hours at a time, forcing me to learn how to fend for myself at a young age. They also ordered me to clean the house, and every mess they made, guess who had to pick it up. Me. But, that I could handle. What I couldn't handle was when they would corner me, and beat me. The memory that was the most painful happened six short years ago. I was ten years old.

_I just returned from hockey practice, and set my bag on the floor next to the door. I heard a loud cry from upstairs and I watched my mom hurry to attend to Cameron. I hung up my jacket on the coat rack, picked up my bag, and headed up the stairs. I headed into my practically empty room, and placed my bag on the bed. I sat down next to it and looked around. My walls were bare white, giving the room a hospital like atmosphere. My bed was practically in the center of the room, and the only other furniture in the room was a single oak wood dresser in the corner. My room at one time was filled with toys and posters, but they were given to my brother after he was born. In the middle of my thoughts, my mother came into my room and pulled me by the arm into my brother's room. Ever since he was born, the only one who could ever stop his cries was me, so whenever my mom couldn't get him to sleep she made me do it. I leaned over his bed and picked him up gently. I rocked him back and forth until he fell asleep in my arms. I set him down slowly and tiptoed out of the room, closing the door behind me. As soon as I slipped out of the room, I felt a hand clamp onto my arm. I was dragged down the stairs, being pushed into the wall on the way down. She pulled me into the kitchen, and shoved me over to the sink. "What are those?" she asked, sticking her face into mine. "Uh a few dirty dishes," I replied looking down. "I thought you said you finished them last night,' she screamed into my face, shoving me into a wall in the process. "I-I did," I answered avoiding eye contact. "Liar," she said harshly. I felt her hand make contact with my face. I gingerly touched the area. "You know you are lucky you even live here. We could have given you away, but no we were kind and kept you. We gave you clothes, food, shelter, an education, and we let you play that stupid sport with your so called friends. And this is how you repay us? With lies and disrespect? I will not tolerate this. No parent would. And your friends don't even like you. They will just take advantage of you. You're weak. Pathetic. Worthless. Now clean up this mess. Keep in mind what I told you and you and your father will finish this conversation later. Understand?" she questioned. "Yes, ma'am." _

_The worst part came when my dad came home. Before I knew it I was pinned to a wall, getting punched in the stomach."You don't deserve to be called my son. Anyone who gives my wife disrespect will hear from me, you worthless son of a bitch. You don't deserve to live. You never should have been born," he finished. He kneed me in the stomach, and with tears running down my face I began to think. What if they were right? Do my friends really hate me? Am I that worthless? As the blows kept coming I made up my mind, I never should have been born. I started to cough as he smacked me again. I felt liquid spray out of my mouth. If I had a guess I would say it was blood. My whole body ached more and more, but the punches didn't cease. I felt myself losing consciousness slowly. With one final slap across my face, he let me drop to the floor. As he walked away I heard one phrase that stayed with me all these years. "He was the biggest mistake ever made." I then lost consciousness._

I knew for a fact they couldn't have been happier to let me leave and move to California. It was what they had dreamed of for years. Because of them I can't express my true feeling without fear I'll get hurt. And even though the guys have been with me through thick and thin, I still have a small seed of doubt that my parents had been right about them. What if they were just stringing me along until they got the chance to hurt me, to embarrass me? No, they wouldn't do that. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan would never do that. They are my best friends.

I heard a soft snore from across the room. Carlos. He was the bundle of energy that kept me from sinking back down into my hidden depression. No matter what happens he always has a smile on his face. Whatever the world throws at him, he takes it and turns it around and somehow makes others see the bright side to it.

Then there is Kendall. Our leader. He holds us together. Whatever the obstacle, he can figure out a way through it. I have known him long enough, to know for a fact if anyone ever needed help, he would be the first one to reach them. He is also the best and most competitive hockey player I have ever met.

And finally Logan. He is the thinker. The smart one. He keeps us from killing ourselves and others. Though he is careful, he is not afraid to take a risk. He has the bigger heart than anyone else I know. He will forgive anyone no matter what they do. And though he can be shy around others, once you get to know him, it's impossible not to like him.

And then there's me. The normal one. I don't have any special talents, like my friends do. Sure I can sing, but then again who can't? I have been told I care too much about my appearance, but that is true and false. I seem to care about my appearance, but I really could care less. I guess I just needed a personality and here it is. I mean look in our group there is a jock, a genius, and a fun ball of energy. What more do they need? They certainly don't need a self absorbed pretty boy in the group, yet here I am. Maybe I really am worthless.

I turned back over on my back and once again stared at the ceiling, begging sleep to take me into oblivion. The only time I have relief from these constant thoughts is when I am sleeping, but of course it too wants to torture me with sleepless nights, and empty dreams. I shut my eyes tightly and listened to the strong winds howling through the tree tops and the steady pouring rain. I thought perhaps I could fall asleep by listing to the rain, but forty minutes later I figured I would try a new approach. I sat up and walked to the window, trying not to wake Carlos. I slowly opened the shade and carefully unlatched the window. I slid it open and stuck my head out. The cool rain felt relaxing as it ran down my face in streams. I sighed and stared out. "James, what are you doing up," Carlos asked yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Nothing, just go back to sleep," replied not even looking at him. "Okay, night," he said laying back down. "Night," I said quietly still staring out into space. Instead of going back to bed right away, I stayed with my head glued out the window. The rain was still falling, though not as hard as before. My hair was stuck to my face hanging in my eyes. I wiped my bangs out of my line vision and just stared out into the night. Praying that sleep would eventually be rewarded to me.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up the next morning from a dreamless sleep from my alarm clock. I yawned and glanced over at Carlos. He had his head buried under his pillow. He was never a morning person. I slipped out of bed and walked into the bathroom. I passed Kendall and Logan's room. The lights were still out. I guess I'm the first one up today. Usually Kendall wakes up first, and then tosses a pillow at Logan's head to get him up. Then they both come in our room and shake us until we wake up. And let's just say when Carlos gets woken up, it's not pleasant.

I smiled to myself as I entered the bathroom. I glanced in the mirror and groaned. My hair dried weird from the rain last night and to top it off I had deep purple bags under my eyes. I sighed quietly. I guess I have to take a shower now. I walked over to the shower and turned the water on. I grabbed a towel from the rack and hung it over the side of the tub. I slipped off my shirt and pants and set them in a pile next to the shower. I then took off my boxers and stepped carefully into the steamy water. It felt so good on my cold skin. I grabbed the shampoo and proceeded to wash my hair. When I finished with that, I grabbed the bar soap and ran it down my body. I made sure I got all the soap off, and turned off the water. I grabbed the towel and wiped my face; then wrapped it around my waist. I stepped out of the tub and made sure not to drip any water on the dry floor. I looked around. _Shit,_ I thought to myself. I knew I had forgotten something. I headed out of the bathroom back to my room to grab some clothes. I opened the door slowly and thankfully Carlos was still asleep. I took a clean white t-shirt, a pair of black skinny jeans, and a pair of boxers and hurried back into the bathroom. After I had finished getting dressed, I dried my hair with the hairdryer and sprayed it with my Cuda hairspray.

My mind wandered back to last night, as I was putting the finishing touches on my hair. Yes, I resent my parents, but I still love them, although I'm not sure why. I mean they lied to me about numerous things, they beat me, and they threatened me, but I still feel this strong connection to them. I also never got why they chose Cameron over me. We look alike. We have the same chestnut hair, the same tall build, and the same addiction to singing, the only difference is I have hazel eyes and he has bright blue. I sighed. Now that I think about it, I am the only one who has hazel eyes. My parents and Cameron all have blue eyes. Strange, I had never noticed that before. Maybe that's why they hated me. Maybe this all had to do with eye color. I laughed to myself. If only it was that simple.

I looked in the mirror. If you looked closely you could see a small scar along my jaw line. It was when my mother got angry I had gotten a B on an Algebra test. She pushed me to the ground, but on my way down, the side of my face hit the coffee table. I had to have fourteen stitches. I would like to forget the burning look in her eyes, but the scar is a constant reminder.

As I looked in the mirror, a small shine caught my eye. I turned around, and saw what caused the glare. A razor blade. I walked up to it and picked it up slowly. I turned it over in my hands. Do I really want to do this? No, I shouldn't. I was about to put it down when I heard a voice. _Come on. Do it. Just once. It will make you feel better. I promise._ But what if my friends find out. _They won't. Like your parents said, they don't care for you. They never noticed the bags under your eyes. They never noticed your sluggish behavior. If they find out they won't even care. Come on. You know you want to. _I looked at it once more. The way the light reflected on it made it glow. It was calling to me.

I walked over and locked the door. I turned back around and headed towards the mirror. I rolled up my sleeve and placed the blade down on my wrist. My parents came to mind once more, and I pressed the blade down. The stinging pain felt…..good. I slid it down my wrist. I removed the blade and watched the beads of blood form on the cut. I don't know why I did this, but it feels right. I slid it down once again. The pain from the cut canceled out the pain from my parents, well for the time being anyway. I dragged it down my skin again without realizing it. When I looked down the blood had dripped down off my wrist and onto the floor. I panicked. I rinsed off the blade and placed it back where it belonged. I then wiped the blood off my wrist and took out a roll of gauze. I wrapped it securely around the wound and placed the extra back in the cabinet. I took a towel and cleaned the blood off the floor, and then proceeded to wash the towel until it was once again, a bright white. I rolled down my sleeve and double checked myself and the room for any traces of my blood. None. Good. I unlocked the door and walked out. The other guys were still in their pajamas, sitting at the table eating breakfast.

"Finally. I thought I was going to have to break down the door again," Kendall said with a smile.

"Ha ha. Very funny. That only happened once. Or twice. It doesn't matter though," I said giving him a glare.

"Kidding. I was just kidding," he said holding his hands up in a mock surrender.

I sat down at the table next to Logan, and grabbed a plate of pancakes Ms. Knight had so kindly prepared before running to the grocery store with Katie, for the third time this week. You just can't keep food in the apartment with Carlos here. I shook my head.

I was in the middle of eating when the other guys saw the time and hurried out of the room to get ready. A few minutes before they returned, I finished my pancakes and placed the plate in the sink. I sat back down and waited. They ran out about a minute later.

"Hey, dude. What happened to your wrist?" Carlos said pulling up my sleeve. I pulled my arm from him and he gave me a hurt look.

"Sorry. I fell and I think I sprained my wrist. It hurts pretty bad when someone touches it," I said coming up with a quick lie.

"Oh, do you want me to check it for you," Logan said quickly.

"No, it's fine. Really," I said with a smile, hoping they would believe it. They did.

Soon it was time to head to Roque Records. The other guys were walking out when I remembered I had forgotten to grab my phone. I told them I would meet them downstairs and they nodded. I hurried to my room and took my cell of my nightstand. I put my phone in my front pocket as I walked through the kitchen. I opened the door, and turned to look into the apartment. I had finally found a way to cope with the pain. Not necessarily the best way, but an effective way none the less. I took one more look around the apartment and ended up shutting two doors. The door to the apartment. And a door in my life.


	3. Chapter 3

The ride to Roque Records was silent except for the low music coming from the radio. The wind was whipping through my hair as I thought what I did this morning. I can't believe I had allowed myself to resort to self harm. However, it did make the pain go away, temporarily anyway. I kept thinking of the large amount of blood from the wound as we picked up speed. The wind ruffled my clothes roughly from the speed we were going. I tried blocking the awful image from my mind, but it was harder to do so than I had originally thought. By the time I snapped out of my thoughts we had just pulled into Roque Records. Logan killed the power and we hurried inside. We ran down the hallway and reached the recording booth. Gustavo was already waiting for us with an unpleasant scowl. A few hours later, actually more like seven, we were tired, sweaty, and aggravated. So Gustavo let us go early, worried that we would start another one of our famous catastrophes. When we arrived back at home Carlos and I plopped down on the couch and started playing video games. Logan I'm guessing went to finish some homework, and Kendall went to meet Jo. After eating four pies each and playing the video game for three hours straight, we went to our room. Carlos ended up falling asleep, but I just lay awake, thinking more about my parents. I don't try to think of them they just sort of invaded my thoughts. The memory that came to mind happened quite awhile ago.

_I was awoken by the sound of yelling. I crept out of my room and peeked around the corner. I saw two shadows against the wall. I heard my parent's voices. What they said scarred me for life. They were arguing about whose "thing" I was. They both said they didn't want me, but they also didn't want to get rid of me. Apparently they needed a maid to clean up their house, and figured I was just perfect for that. They told me apart from that I was completely worthless. I gasped and silent tears ran down my face. They must have heard me, because the next moment a hand was clasped around my throat. They turned me to face them. "What are you doing up?" my dad said through clenched teeth. He still hand his hand around my neck so it made it a challenge to speak. "I heard yelling so I went to see what happened," I answered truthfully. He released his grasp and pushed me backwards. My mom then left me alone with my dad. After she left he gave me an evil smile and proceeded to beat me, laughing ever so often at my cries._

I shuttered at the memory. That smile will haunt my dreams forever. My stomach starting churning and I felt nauseous. Eating four pies was a very bad idea. I raced into the bathroom and kneeled down by the toilet. Everything I had eaten ended up in the bowl in few moments. I sat down against the wall and leaned on the cool tile. I steadied my breathing and flushed the toilet. I stood up and grabbed my toothbrush. When I finished brushing my teeth I rinsed my mouth out and walked out of the room.

As I passed Logan and Kendall's room I noticed the light was on. I glanced in to see Logan asleep on his bed holding a science book close to his chest. Kendall was lying face down on his bed with the pillow over his head. If I had a guess, I would say he came home and tried to get some sleep, but Logan here was still trying to study, so he put the pillow over his head and ended falling asleep that way. Then while studying, Logan fell asleep as well. I laughed to myself. I flipped the light off and instead of going to bed I walked into the living room. I heard a soft roll of thunder and proceeded over to the window. For some reason I loved watching storms. They just look so beautiful in a way. The water makes a misty scene that only the bright streaks of lightning can penetrate. And the thunder so powerful, it can shake the house without trying.

I leaned closer to the glass to get a better look, but I ended up opening the window instead. I stuck my head out and let the icy water relax me. A small smile crawled across my face as the lightning lit up the sky. My hair stuck to face and dripped water onto my once dry clothes. I shook my head like a dog to get the extra water of my face. A loud clap of thunder caused the lights in the kitchen to flicker. I kept my head out the window for a few more minutes before pulling it in quickly. I closed and latched the window, then pulled down the shade. As I passed the bathroom I grabbed a towel and proceeded into my room. I was drying off my head when I entered the room. I glanced at Carlos, who of course was still asleep. I laughed to myself and lay down on my bed. The light from outside shined through the open window and landed on the wall behind me casting an eerie glow. I stared up at the ceiling, wishing, praying that sleep would finally consume my thoughts. However, no relief was provided. This is just one more night to add to the long list of dreamless sleeps. I sighed and kept staring up, looking into the darkness that surrounds me constantly, both day and night. The pain that eats away at my inner self is never ending. The depression that consumes me is killing me physically, not just mentally anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not myself, and I doubt I will be ever again. As the numbness of sleep finally took over I knew only one thing for sure. I needed help. Help freeing myself from my own worst enemy, myself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here is the next chapter. I do not own Big time Rush or the song Cold by Corinna Fugate who is now known as Rose Mercury. Enjoy.**

I sat on the bathroom tile with blood dripping from the open wound on my wrist. I pressed my back harder on the wall when my salty tears dropped on the cut. It is two in the morning and I don't even know why I am in here. One minute I'm lying awake on my bed the next I'm in here slicing away at my flesh. I looked down at the blood covered blade and suddenly felt a strong hatred for it. I hurled it across the room, and lay back on the floor. At the moment I didn't care that I was getting covered in blood or that at any given moment someone could walk through the door and see me this way. The tears were still cascading down my face as I looked up. I can't go on like this. It has to stop. I stood up and locked the door, then bent down and retrieved the razor. I washed it off and put it back where it belonged. After wiping up the blood, I turned on the shower. Instead of turning the dial to warm, I turned it to ice cold. If I couldn't have real rain to soothe me, I would make my own. I slipped off all my clothes and stepped in the icy water. My breath left me as the water hit me. The water stung my bare body, but I didn't get out. I let the water take me over.

By the time I got out, I couldn't feel most of my body. I dried myself off and redressed in my clothes. I then tied a strip of gauze back around my cuts. I looked in the mirror. My skin was pale and I was still slightly shivering from the water. My eyes looked completely dead. I sighed. I looked around and checked to see if I missed any blood. I didn't. I turned out the light and walked out back to my room. I sat on my bed and slowly laid back. I stared at the ceiling and waiting patiently for sleep to come, but it never did. I was awake the rest of the night just staring out into oblivion.

The only noises heard from the room that night was the soft snores from a boy lost in dreams and the muffled sobs from a heart broken, self injuring child whose life was in shambles.

He watched silently as the grey skies changed to those of bright reds, yellows, and oranges. The world could change a million times, but he would always be the same. Just as the sun rose every morning, he would too.

I was startled by the sudden movements from the other side of the room. Carlos sat up and yawned looking over at me. I feigned being asleep so he wouldn't wonder why I was up so early. I heard him walk over to my bed and then he shook me until I sat up.

"Morning," he said cheerfully.

"Morning," I replied yawning. I followed him out of the room and into the kitchen where the guys were waiting. We ate silently and then hurried off to get ready for another long day with Gustavo. My clothes consisted of a dark green t-shirt, black jeans, and black converse.

On our way out Ms. Knight stopped me. She told the other guys to wait for me in the lobby.

"Your parents and brother were in an accident. I guess they were on their way to see you when an incoming truck plowed into their car," she said placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"What hospital are they at. I will visit them after rehearsal," I said with tears in my eyes. I could care less about my parents, but if Cameron doesn't make it I will feel responsible since they were coming to see me.

"They are at Morgan General Hospital," she said almost breaking out in tears as well.

I didn't say anything else, I just walked out silently. I reached the lobby and they asked what happened, but I just said it was nothing and put on a fake smile. They bought it. The day flew by until it was time to see my family. I reached the building and walked in. After finding out Cameron's room number, I rushed into the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor. I shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling. I opened them when I heard the ding of the doors opening. I walked out and headed down the hall until I found the correct room. Room 185. I walked in and saw my parents in chairs beside his bed. He had a bandage around his head that already and red spots bleeding through. His arm was in a sling, and his leg was elevated. His skin was covered in cuts and he was very pale. The only sign he was alive was the steady beeping from the machine next to him.

"About time you arrived," my mom said harshly not even looking up. She had her arm in a sling as well, but other than that she looked fine. My father had crutches leaning on the chair next to him, and his leg was in a cast. But he looked fine as well. I guess Cameron got the worst of it.

"I'm sorry, rehearsals ran a bit late," I replied looking down.

"Oh my mistake. I didn't know that rehearsals meant more than family did," my dad said sarcastically. He then turned and glared at me.

"This is all your fault," my mom said with tears dripping down her pale skin.

"How is this my fault? It was an accident," I replied.

I felt a hand whip against my cheek. "Don't talk back to your mother, you heartless son of a bitch," he said with venom in his voice. "Now get out."

"But I-."

"No, get out now," he shouted pushing me out. I leaned against the shut door and let the tears fall. I am so weak. I ran my nails down my arms, resulting in small cuts to form. I dried my eyes and walked back to the elevator. I hurried out the door and back to the car. I sped back to the apartment and walked inside. I looked around. Ms. Knight was in the kitchen, but no one else was here.

"Oh you're back. How did it go? Are they alright?" she asked frantically.

I couldn't tell her the truth. "My parents are fine but Cameron is in pretty bad condition. But don't worry, he is expected to completely recover," I said.

"That's a relief. And if you are wondering where the guy are Kendall is with Jo, and Carlos and Logan said something about a new girl," she told me.

I nodded my head and walked to my room, stopping to grab something on the way. I walked into my room and locked the door. I sat on the floor against the wall. I unwrapped the gauze and stared at my wrist. Red lines were scattered on my flesh. I pressed down the blade and watched the blood flow. I can't even feel the pain anymore. It's numb, just like I am. I wept bitterly as I though back to the hospital. If I had been in the same condition as him they would have pulled the plug on me already. They never cared if got hurt, but if Cameron did, the blame went on me and then he would be treated like royalty. It felt like waterfalls were flowing down my cheeks.

Do the guys not realize how much pain I am in? How do they not see it? I thought for a moment and came up with the only possible answer. They never cared for me. It is a reasonable answer. I mean those three have known each other since Pre-K. But me, I met them in fourth grade. I never knew them as long as they knew each other. And even though they say we will always stick together, I know one day they will leave. Like everyone else has.

I sighed and stood up. I hid the razor under my mattress, and wiped up the blood. Then I redid the gauze. I moved to my bed and stared up. I don't feel anymore. I just feel like I'm floating in nothingness. I shut my eyes and was comforted by the blackness.

_How can you feel what I'm feeling,_

_When it's locked inside._

_To wear it on my body,_

_Tells what words cannot describe._

_A thin red line tells you_

_Where the blade has been._

_So many secrets,_

_Hiding beneath my skin._

_And it's cold,_

_Cold,_

_Cold out of control._

_Locked in the bathroom stall,_

_Leaning against the wall._

_I know they're all waiting for me,_

_So I'll be as quick as I can be._

_I see the red but I feel no pain._

_Feels like I'm floating, floating away._

_And it seems,_

_I've become my own prey,_

_And it's cold,_

_Cold,_

_Cold out of control._

_No pain, no gain, no sane,_

_No pain, no gain, no sane,_

_No pain, no.. not today._

_Find another way_

_Ice cube in hand to numb this pain._

_And it's cold,_

_Cold,_

_Cold out of control._

_Cold,_

_Cold,_

_Cold, out of control._


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up next morning, covered in a sheet of sweat. Since my parents got here my nightmares have gotten worse. They have always haunted me, but this is too much. It has to stop. I turned to my left to see Carlos asleep with the blankets pulled over his head. I looked over to the clock on my right. It was only 4:35. I pulled the covers up to my chin and tried to fall back to sleep, but I couldn't. Suddenly I heard a clap of thunder. A smile spread across my face. I quietly slipped out of bed and walked past Kendall and Logan's room to the living room. By the time I got there, it was pouring. I opened the shade and unlocked the window. I slid it open and stuck my head out. Cool water dripped down my face and I sighed. When the lightning flashed I noticed that if one crawled out the window they could lay on the roof without fear of slipping off. I decided to try it myself. I carefully climbed out the window and stepped onto the roof. Once I had both of my feet securely on the ledge, I sat down and looked out. The rain was pouring really hard now and it would hurt if it didn't feel so good. The view was amazing. You could see into down town even with the hard rain. The rain made a mist that gave the world and eerie glow. When the lightning flashed it looked so much more real out here than it did through a window. The rain just relaxed me. No matter what happens, the rain always falls. I laid back and just let the rain fall and soak my clothes. I closed my eyes for a moment, and sleep consumed me.

I opened my eyes and suddenly realized where I was. I fell asleep on the roof. I sat up and looked around. It stopped raining but my clothes were still soaked. I stood up and crawled through the still open window. I landed on the floor and looked around. Good, no one was up yet. I locked the window and walked to my room. When I entered it I noticed Carlos was sitting on his bed yawning.

"Oh hey, James. Why are you all wet?" he asked tilting his head slightly.

"I took a shower," I replied avoiding eye contact.

"Really? I never heard you get up," he said standing up.

"Uh yeah. Let's get the other guys up. It is time for them to pay for always shaking us awake," I said with an evil smirk.

"Yeah, let's go," Carlos said with a smile creeping across his face.

We crept out of the room and down the hall. When we reached their room we opened the door slowly and walked over to them. Carlos went over to Logan's bed and I went to Kendall's.

I leaned in close to his ear. "Wake up!" I yelled. He jolted up and smacked me with his pillow. Carlos wasn't so lucky. He got hit in the head and pushed into a wall. When Logan get's woken up early it's not pretty. After a short fight between Logan and Carlos we got ready for a day filled with swimming, lobby hockey, and pranking Bitters. The three of them headed down to the pool, but I wanted to finish my hair before I joined them. It took about ten minutes, but I was ready. I walked to the door, but as soon as my hand brushed the handle I changed my mind. I turned around and headed back to my room. If they ask I will just say I wasn't feeling well. I guess it is not a complete lie, I mean I do feel sick just not the sick they would understand. I walked into my room and just dropped onto my bed.

I started to think about myself, and who I've become. There has to be something wrong with me_. I am a cutter, but I'm not depressed. I am suicidal, but I don't want to die. I laugh, but I want to cry. I smile, but I want to hide. I fight, but I want to lose. I swim, but I want to drown. I want to live, but I want to die. _I rolled over on my side and tears ran down my face.

The ringing of the phone startled me. I picked it up.

"Hello?" I asked automatically.

"This is Anna from Morgan General Hospital. Is this James Diamond?" she asked with sorrow in her voice. This can't be good.

"Yes," I answered nervously.

"I am sorry to inform you, but your brother died last night. Your parents are stopping here to see him one last time, and then they are coming to see you. They told me to tell you this so you will know they are coming. I am very sorry, sweetie. Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you for telling me. Goodbye," I said my voice cracking.

"Goodbye," she said quietly.

I slammed the phone down and cried harder than I ever had before. I ran blindly to the bathroom. I turned and locked the door. I slipped off my shirt and grabbed the razor. _This is my fault. If I never came out here he would still be alive. _I slid the razor over my once flawless skin. I looked in the mirror and watched the blood drip from the cut on my stomach down onto the dark fabric of my jeans. I couldn't feel anything. Pain was numb to me. I made another slice and watched the blood. Red was always my favorite color. It symbolized love and warmth. But now it meant so much more. It symbolized the blood I force out of my body as a way of relief. It symbolizes the red lines that are forever engraved in my flesh. And most importantly it symbolizes the anger toward my parents for causing me to be the way I am. Suicidal. Self injuring. And self hating. I didn't care that the blood had dried on my skin, I just slipped my shirt back on. I cleaned the blade and put it back. I raced out of the bathroom and into my room. I sat in the corner and just stared out. As the hot tears slid down my cheeks, I smacked my head repeatedly against the wall. I didn't even notice the smeared blood on the wall or the blood dripping down the back of my head. I just sat there. _Help ._


	6. Chapter 6

I must have passed out, because I awoke on the floor. I sat up and looked around. I groaned. My head was throbbing. I placed my hand on the back of my head and felt a bump. I pulled back my hand and it had some blood smeared on it. I turned around. There was blood on the wall also. I looked over at the clock. I had only been asleep for about twenty minutes and my parents were coming soon, so I had better clean up. I wiped the blood off the wall and walked to my dresser. The room was spinning to such an extent, I had to grip my dresser to keep myself from falling over. Once I steadied myself, I grabbed some clean clothes and slipped them on. I hurried to the bathroom, or at least went as fast as I could without passing out. I quickly ran a comb through my hair, pulling out the dried blood as well. I checked myself in the mirror and walked out. I heard a knock at the door as I was walking into the kitchen. I headed over to the door and opened it.

"Hey, come on in," I said throwing on a fake smile. "How are you?" I asked. After I said it I knew it was a bad question.

"You ask us how are we? After all that's happened you expect us to care about a meaningless conversation? We lost our son. Don't you care?" My mom said stepping closer and closer to me.

"Yes, I care, he was my brother, but I'm your son too. And you don't care about me?" I replied slightly raising my voice. The room started to spin again, but I did my best to ignore it.

"No you are not my son, and we don't care about you, and we never will," My father said smacking me into a wall. Opened my mouth to say something but he wouldn't let me. "Now listen to me, because of you Cameron died. It is your fault your brother is dead. And remember, it's your fault because you were born. If you were never born none of this would have ever happened. You fucking imbecile," he said smacking me across my face.

Right now I was at their mercy. No one was home and they wouldn't be home until later tonight.

Suddenly, I was kneed in the stomach and I gasped as quietly as I could. He then pulled me by my hair and tossed me across the room. When I landed I felt something crack. My mother just stood back and just watched with a smile on her face. I was picked up once again, but this time he kept the punches coming nonstop. I could feel blood dripping out the side of my mouth by the time he let me down. On their way out my father said something that would change my life forever.

"Oh, by the way, you have to come home to Minnesota for your brother's funeral. And you are staying in Minnesota and quitting this idiotic band. Don't even say you could never do it, because they are your friends, remember they could care less about you and besides there is no changing my mind." And with that he left. Taking my dreams and my sanity with him.

I didn't want to see anyone so I just walked into my room and pulled the covers over my head. My head hurt nonstop since I woke up, but now that sleep is taking me over, it just faded to a dull ache. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the black.

I woke to a bright light in my face. I looked at my clock. Oh my god, it was already eight. Why didn't anyone wake me? I jumped out of bed and regretted it. My head started to throb once again and now I felt nauseous from the stabbing pain in my side and stomach. I almost doubled over in pain. I sat slowly down on my bed when Logan came in.

"Hey, James. If you are wondering why we didn't wake you, it's because Gustavo gave us the day off," Logan said excitedly.

"That's great. I'll go change and meet you guys at the table," I said with a small smile. At least I will get to rest today.

"Alright, but hurry up. Ms. Knight made pancakes and they won't be here for long," he shouted hurrying out of the room toward the pancakes I'm guessing.

"Hey, let go! Those are mine." "In your dreams, I got them first." "Hands off, Carlos." "NO, your hands off, Logan."

O.k. Note to self: Don't come between Carlos and Logan and pancakes unless you want to be mauled.

I got back up and changed into a light blue long sleeve shirt, blue jeans, and white sneakers. I made sure the bandage around my wrist was hidden. I walked into the bathroom and combed my hair. Every time the comb ran through my hair my head hurt to an extent of me wanting to faint. I set my comb down, thinking it was better to have messy hair then a throbbing head. I slowly lifted up my shirt and saw a large purple and blue bruise forming across my stomach. Also, I never noticed this but I had lost a lot of weight. You could see my ribs clearly through the thin layer of skin covering them. I put my shirt down, wincing when the fabric touched the bruise.

I headed into the kitchen and poured a bowl of cereal, seeing as all the pancakes were gone. I munched quietly on my cereal while the other guys bickered about who got the last pancake. I rolled my eyes and continued eating. Their fight was disrupted by the ringing of the phone. Mrs. Knight hurried out to answer it. Her smile dropped.

"Uh huh. I understand. See you soon. Good bye." She hung up the phone.

She walked over to me and pulled me into the other room.

"James, your parents want you to return home for the funeral. I will talk to Gustavo for you don't worry about that," she said laying a hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks. Oh, do you think you could tell them why I'm going home after I leave. I don't really want to deal with any questions right now," I said a single tear falling down my face.

"Of course, honey. Go get packed. Your flight leaves at eleven, alright," she said with a small smile.

"Yeah. Thank you," I said giving her a hug, and ignoring the stabbing pain in my stomach.

I hurried off to my room and pulled a suitcase from under my bed. I laid it across the top of my bed and started packing. I packed some clothes and everything of value. I knew I wouldn't be coming back. My parents would never let me. I cried silently as I packed the rest of my things. When I was finished, I dried my eyes and pulled my suitcase to the door. It was around ten fifteen now and I needed to leave now if I wanted to catch my flight. The guys looked at me like I was crazy when I told them I had to go back to Minnesota for a few days.

"But why?" Carlos asked showing a puppy like innocence.

"It is an important family matter. I have to go back for a few days. I will be back soon," I lied. There was no way I would be coming back but they couldn't know that.

"Alright, be safe," Kendall said giving me a hug, which Carlos and Logan joined in on.

"Thanks. I will," I said smiling. I just remembered I never said good bye to Katie. I hurried into her room to find her still asleep. I told her good bye quietly and kissed her forehead. She mumbled my name in her sleep.

I walked out of her room and grabbed my suitcase. I waved good bye to my best friends, who were more of a family to me than my real one. I walked out the door, and knew going home was a big mistake. A tear dripped down my cheek as I entered the elevator. I pressed the lobby button and waited until the door opened. I walked through the Palm Wood's doors and into the awaiting taxi. I took one last look at the building, and as the taxi drove away I knew I would never return.


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I was finishing a summer project and it took me longer than I thought it would. But anyway, here it is. Please R&R. Oh one more thing. I need you to tell me what you think. I have had two endings of this story in my mind, but I need you to tell me what you would like better. Either something happens to James and there is a big twist, or he returns to Cali. Your choice. Please tell me what you think. **

Kendall P.o.v.

"Hey, Kendall. Come here now, "Logan called from the other room.

"'K, coming," I replied walking into James' room. "What is it?"

"Uh, do you remember how James said he hurt his wrist?" he asked nervously glancing back and forth. He kept his hand under the bed the entire time he spoke. "I think he was lying."

"Why do you say that?" I asked now getting worried.

"Because of this," he said pulling an item from under his bed. "I came in looking for my science book. James sometimes takes my school books because he thinks I study too much. Before he left, he took my book and I needed it to study, so I came in here to look for it. And when I checked under his bed, I found this," he said with a long sigh.

"A r-razor? It is probably a misunderstanding; there must be something we don't know. I mean why would he do that to himself? I-I mean he wouldn't would he?" I said my voice wavering slightly. I am freaking out now.

He swallowed hardly. "Look at it closely," he said holding it out to me, his voice breaking. I took it reluctantly. I held it close to my face and gasped. There were faint red spots on the blade.

"H-he didn't, he couldn't," I said rambling. "There is no way h-he w-would. I mean-"

"Face it," Logan said cutting me off,"he is a cutter, he is depressed. He needs help."

"But he is in Minnesota, there is nothing we can do until he comes back," I said trying to sound calm.

"I have a feeling he won't be coming back. Did you see the way he looked at us? He knows he's not coming back. I think he is going to….. to …. to end it while he is away," Logan said his eyes filling with tears.

""He wouldn't do something like that. We know he wouldn't. We've known him for years," I said hoping I was right.

"How do we know for sure? We didn't know he cut himself, so how do we know he won't kill himself," Logan said. At this point, I had a bad feeling he was right.

"Alright. You are most likely right. But right know we need to tell Carlos and my mom, and get on a plane to Minnesota to save his life. Move!" I shouted.

We hurried out of the room and ran straight into the kitchen to tell Carlos. When we finished his eyes were wide with shock and he had tears down his face. However, when we told my mom, it didn't go so well. She screamed that we were wrong until she saw the razor. After she saw it she started to cry and she pulled us into a bone crushing hug. She then told us to start packing and then shoved us out of the room. When she is upset it is better not to argue. We finished packing in ten minutes and called a taxi. My mom told us she would let Katie and Gustavo know why we left later. We hugged her and hurried out of the apartment. _James, here we come._

James P.o.v.

My flight just landed and I quickly left the plane. I wasn't a big fan of flying. Ironic isn't it. Because of Big Time Rush I have to fly across the states, spending much time facing my biggest fear. I unconsciously shook my head. I grabbed my luggage and haled a taxi. I slid in the back and told him my address. I was dreading seeing my parents again, and it didn't help I was staying with them. I sighed. I watched the houses pass by until I saw the one that I used to call home. The taxi stopped and I paid the taxi driver. I stepped out and closed the door. As I walked up to my house I heard the taxi drive away, and footsteps near me. I turned and my eyes widened.

"Hi Jamie," a sweet voice said. I stared into the eyes of my best friend. Her wavy brown hair flowed to the middle of her back, and her brown eyes shown with excitement. I dropped my bags and spread out my arms. She smiled and ran over to me. She flung herself into my arms and buried her face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly afraid she would once again disappear. When I was in first grade I met Alexis, and we became inseparable. We were best friends until fourth grade. In the middle of the year she suddenly left. And because I had no other friends so I was forced to make new ones, a.k.a. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. She pulled back slightly and looked up at me.

"I missed you, so much. After you left I didn't know what I would do without you," I said staring into her eyes.

"I missed you, too. My family moved back here last year, and I expected to see you, but I found out that you had left for California a week before. I thought I had missed my chance to see you again," she said tears filling her eyes.

"Well I am here now and that is what matters. Come on let's go," I said picking up my bags. She followed me into the house. I headed upstairs and set my bags down on my bed then hurried out of the house. I grabbed her hand and we walked down the sidewalk.

"So, Lexi, how have you been?" I asked still smiling.

"I have been good. I would have been better if you were with me, but all wishes can't come true," she replied with a small smile. I stopped walking and pulled her close. Our lips connected and suddenly nothing mattered. All that mattered was her.

We pulled away slowly and she blushed deeply. "You know I have always loved you. And those years apart nearly killed me," I said holding her against me.

"I'm glad you love me, because I love you, too," she said sighing. "Follow me," she said pulling me along with her. We walked until we reached a wide open space. She pulled me to the other side of the field.

"Look," she said pulling me toward the edge of the cliff. It was amazing. You could see for miles across the water. If you looked down you could see the waves crashing into the rocks at the bottom. We sat down by the edge and laid back. The sun was just setting. She moved closer to me, resting her head on my chest. We held hands and watched the peaceful scenery. For the time being, life was perfect.


	8. Chapter 8

Logan P.o.v.

After the plane landed, we couldn't get off quick enough. We hurried through security and snatched our bags as we ran out. We haled a taxi and were dropped off in front of James' house. We jumped out and hurriedly crossed the slick driveway. When we reached the door we noticed that it was slightly open.

"Hey, James. You here, buddy?" Kendall called into the dark room. No one answered.

We slowly walked into the house. Setting our bags down by the door we walked upstairs to check his room.

"James. Hello? Are you here?" I called out into the black room. We turned to go back down when we heard a noise in the hallway. We stood still, fearful of moving. We watched the dark shadow come closer and closer to us. He spoke and I knew who it was.

James P.o.v.

When I walked into the house with Lexi, I heard faint whispering upstairs.

"Stay here, Lexi," I said quietly. I lightly walked across the floor and slowly crept up the stairs. I could faintly make out the silhouettes of three people. As I came closer I recognized the faces.

"Guys, what are you doing here?" I asked curiously.

"We came to help you," Kendall replied stepping closer to me.

"Help me with what?" I asked my voice rising to a higher level. They couldn't know. There was no way they did.

"You know what we are talking about," Logan said giving me a worried look.

"Hey, what going on, James? Who's up there?" A voice called from downstairs. I forgot I left her down there.

"Come on up. There are a few people I want you to meet," I said hoping to distract the guys for the time being.

"Uh, James. Who's that?" Carlos questioned as Lexi slowly walked up the stairs. All three of them had their eyes glued to her as she stopped beside me.

"Guys this is Alexis, Alexis meet Carlos, Logan, and Kendall," I said praying that they would like her unlike my other girlfriends.

"So, Alexis how do you know James," Kendall asked going into protective mode.

"Well, we were best friends until fourth grade when I had to move to Tennessee because of my dad's job. I recently moved back here to find that James had left for California a week before I arrived. Imagine my surprise to find him here," she said with a smile. "Though you never did tell me why you came back."

"Oh, well, I came back because, when my parents and brother were driving up to see me, they got into an accident. My parents were fine, but my brother died during the night. I returned so I could attend his funeral," I finished blinking away the tears in my eyes.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and when I looked up I was staring into Lexi's big brown eyes.

"Jamie, I am sorry I asked I didn't know," Lexi said almost in tears herself.

"No, really it's fine I was bound to tell you anyway," I said giving her a small smile. She returned the gesture.

"I have to go," she said suddenly."My parents are probably worried. I love you. Bye," she said cheerfully giving me a kiss on the lips before hurrying out of the house.

I looked up and was met with the unwavering stares of Carlos, Kendall, and Logan. Their eyes showed worry and anger.

"I, uh, have to go. Bye," I said trying to race into my room. My escape attempt didn't go as I had planned. Kendall caught my wrist as I was trying to run.

"No you don't," Kendall said giving me an angry glare. He turned over my wrist and started to unwrap the bandages.

"What are you doing?" I asked yanking my wrist from his grasp.

"I am checking something," he said through gritted teeth.

"What are you checking," I questioned now getting nervous.

"I am seeing if you really sprained your wrist. And if you did and this isn't what I'm thinking then I will apologize and never question you again. But if it is what I am thinking then you will explain," he said anger building up in him.

Carlos and Logan stood watching with their eyes wide open as if waiting for the worst to happen. I didn't stop him this time. I watched n fear as he kept unwrapping the gauze. His mouth opened at the sight of my wrist. The bandages dropped to the ground and he ran his finger over one of the cuts. Carlos and Logan crept closer tears falling down their pale cheeks. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

"Explain," Kendall said quietly. It didn't even sound like him. It sounded so broken.

I sighed. "You see after I found out my brother had died, I felt as though it was my fault. They were coming to see me when they crashed. If I never moved to California he would still be alive. That thought ate away at me and this habit started. It made me forget about my emotional pain for the time being," I finished looking down. Yes, I left out the part about my parents, but they never needed to know about that.

I felt three sets of arms around me. I couldn't take it anymore. I let the tears escape. After a few moments they let go and looked at me with pity.

"Please don't do this anymore. It's not your fault. Don't keep doing this. We will always be here for you. We promise," Logan said, him and the other two exchanging knowing glances.

"Thank you it means a lot, but right know I would like some time alone," I said softly.

"Alright, but when we see you tomorrow we better only find seventeen cuts. If there are anymore we will tell your parents and Mrs. Knight about this. We don't want anything to happen to you. You're our brother, our best friend," Logan said giving me a sad smile.

They then gave me another group hug and then walked down the stairs. They waved one last time as they walked out the door.

I hurried into my room and slammed the door. I lie on my bed and shut my eyes tightly. For once I fell into a deep sleep almost immediately but solely wished I had stayed awake. The entire night dreams plagued me.

_I was standing in a white room. The room was empty and had no door or windows. I looked around. No one was here. Suddenly, I heard an ear piercing scream and smelled the coppery scent of blood. The once white walls were now oozing blood. The room was filling up and I struggled to stay afloat in the sea of red. I slipped beneath the surface and saw black. I opened my eyes and took in a deep breath. I looked around. I was no longer in a room, but in a field. Green grass stretched for miles as did the white and purple flowers that were intertwined in the vast green field. I felt the warm sun on my skin and closed my eyes. But when I reopened them I was no longer in the field but in a graveyard. The stones were in rows that looked like they went on forever. One close to me caught my eye. The color drained from my face when I saw the name. Kendall Knight. I looked at the one next to it. Carlos Garcia. I expected to see one for Logan, but I didn't. I was relieved that Logan wasn't dead, but how the hell were Kendall and Carlos gone. I heard footsteps behind me. I turned. It was Logan. He saw me and walked over to me. "This is your fault," he screamed. "What did I do?" I asked him. "You know what you did and this is your fault. I hate you. You are a fucking, cold hearted bastard. You do something like this and just expect me to forgive you? Ha, you really are stupid. Now leave," he said harshly. "Wha-" he cut me off. "No, you will leave now. Get away from me," he shouted. He punched me in the stomach and then pushed me backward. I felt my head hit a rock. Warm liquid dripped down my head and the side of my face. "Just die already you son of a bitch," Logan said as he walked away. I saw black around the edges of my vision. The pain was overwhelming. As the black took over a single tear slipped down my cheek._

I woke up gasping for air. I had tears running down my face and the sheets clung to me with sweat. I couldn't handle this anymore. I need help.


	9. Chapter 9

James P.o.v.

I woke up to the sunlight streaming in through my window. I squinted my eyes from the sudden brightness. I blinked a few times until my eyes adjusted and then sat up. I stretched my sore limbs and stood up slowly. I walked over to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. I looked in the mirror and examined my face. My eyes were bloodshot and I had deep purple bags under my eyes. My hair was in disarray; some stuck to my face with sweat, while other strands stood straight up. I didn't have the energy to add all the products I usually did so I just smoothed it down with my hands. I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nine thirty-five. The funeral was at ten thirty. I walked back to my room and rummaged through my closet. I gagged on the dust that flew off the untouched clothing. After a few moments I found what I was looking for. I pulled out a long black suit with a black silk tie. Draping it over my arm I headed back into the bathroom. I slipped it on and looking in the mirror I adjusted the tie. I grabbed a comb from the drawer and ran it through my hair until it looked presentable. Taking one more look in the mirror, I turned to walk out. On my way down the stairs I heard a knock on the door. I hurried to the door and swung it open.

"Hey, Jamie," Lexi said with a big smile.

"Hey. Come on in," I said pulling the door open wider allowing her to enter the room.

"I take it today is the funeral," she said avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah," I replied softly.

Lexi walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me. Placing her hand on my cheek she pressed her lips against mine. I placed my hands on her waist as she deepened the kiss. We eventually had to part from lack of oxygen. She looked into my eyes.

"We will get through this. Together," she said keeping eye contact.

"Thank you. Oh, do you think you might be able to come with me. Please?" I said batting my eyes at her.

"For you anything," she said placing a kiss on my lips. "Oh I came to ask you something. Are you planning on returning to California?"

"Yeah, why?" I asked curious about her question.

"Because, my family is moving there this summer," she said excitedly wrapping her arms around my neck.

"That's great," I replied spinning her around.

"I have to go get ready for the you know what. What time is it at?" she asked quietly.

"Uh, ten thirty. It is around quarter to ten now," I replied.

"Alright I will meet you here soon. Love you, Jamie," she said kissing my cheek as she walked out.

"Love you too, Lexi," I said with a small smile on my lips.

I closed the door and walked into the kitchen to make some breakfast. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

Kendall P.o.v.

Today is the funeral. This is going to be a tough day for James. I sighed. Logan and Carlos were still asleep. I sat down on the couch in our living room. It is so weird to not be woken up by my mom or Katie. I mean it's nice to be able to sleep late but it is still weird. I stared out the window and watched the people walk by. They were so lucky. I mean they never had to worry about a best friend who is a cutter. They never had to wonder if he would be stupid enough to take his own life. They would never have to wonder what they would do without him. Why do we have to go through this and not someone else? I shook my head unconsciously. I have to go wake up Carlos and Logan. This won't be fun, but if I don't get them up soon we will miss the funeral. It is already about ten now. I stood up and slowly walked over to their room. I have to be careful of how I wake them. I doubt that they want another funeral today. I slowly opened the bedroom door, and walked into the room to wake them.

James P.o.v.

I stood by the door, waiting for Lexi. It was quarter after ten, and I had to get there early. I looked out into the street and slightly shivered from the cold breeze. I watched the people pass, silently envying them that they have such carefree lives and my life is so horrible. Well it's not all bad I mean I have the best friends anyone could want. And I have the best girlfriend. I smiled as I thought of her. Suddenly I heard someone call my name.

"What?" I said snapping out of my thoughts.

"I was calling you for the last few minutes. Are you alright?" Lexi asked placing her hand on my cheek.

"Uh yeah I'm fine. Just lost in thought," I replied.

"Well, o.k. let's go. We are going to be late," she said grabbing my hand.

Wow, she looked amazing. She was in a long flowing black dress that had small sequins near the bottom. It cut off at her ankles. Her hair was straightened and pulled back into a ponytail, leaving only a few strands hanging by her ears. I guess she saw me staring considering she gave me a smile and kissed me.

When we reached the funeral home I was surprised to see Kendall, Carlos, and Logan there.

"Hey, guys," I said giving them a smile.

Kendall P.o.v.

When we reached the funeral place we took our spot waiting out front for James to arrive. Yes, we finally made it out of the house, with only minor injuries. I rubbed the bruise on my cheek courtesy of Logan. He is not pleasant when he is woken up before twelve on Saturday. I suddenly spotted James walking with Lexi and nudged the other guys. They gave me a dirty look until they noticed James.

"Hey guys," James said with a smile. "I didn't know you were coming."

"Of course we would come. We wouldn't leave you on a day like this. Besides we had nothing better to do and we thought it might be fun," Carlos said smiling. I smacked him, and in return he glared at me.

"What we meant was we wanted to help you through this, because you are our best friend and we care about you," I said hoping James would forget what Carlos had said.

"Alright," he said giving us a small smile. "Follow me."

We followed him behind the building. When we turned the corner we saw all of the members of James' family sitting in chairs behind the casket. We watched as he and Lexi sat in the two open chairs in the front row next to his parents. We walked up there also, but stayed off to the side, trying to stay out of the way. About halfway through the funeral his parents stood up and made their way to the front.

"Our son Cameron lived a short life, but also a good life. Everyone loved him, considering it was impossible not to. Now most of you think that his death was a simple tragedy; an accident, but I am here to tell you it wasn't. It was his fault our son is dead," Mrs. Diamond said as she pointed her finger at James. All eyes turned to look at him and his faced showed guilt, though it wasn't his fault. Mumbles of cruel phrases and names could be heard through the crowd. I watched as Lexi placed her hand on his trying to comfort him. Mrs. Diamond continued. "Yes, it was our son James' fault, though he doesn't deserve to be called our son anymore. This is what happened. After we came into town he thought it would be fun to take a drive around the city, show us some sights. But what he didn't tell us was he didn't have his license. As we passed this one store his turned to try to see through the store window and he didn't pay attention to the road. When he turned his eyes back to the road he was in the path of an oncoming truck. He hit the brakes, but didn't think to swerve. The truck hit the passenger side, where Cameron was. He left the crash without a scratch as did my husband and I. But Cameron was in critical state. The doctors didn't think he would survive the night, and he didn't. And the one thing I was shocked to see was James never visited Cameron before he died. He was too busy with rehearsals for his band. He could care less about Cameron. In fact, I heard him say he was glad he died. James always envied him. He was everything he wasn't. Cameron never deserved to die. My baby," she finished as she started bawling. Everyone was staring at James in shock, while his eyes were wide open trying to take in what his parents said. All around him his so called family was giving him evil looks and shaking their heads at him.

Abruptly, he stood up and ran off, leaving all of us standing there alone. I walked up in front of everyone, amazed they could believe this bitch and all of her shit.

"Hey, you know what? Do you want to know the truth? It wasn't James' fault. That story was a bunch of lies. James was home with us when his family got into that crash. His parents were driving not him. He got the call and immediately rushed over to the hospital to see his brother. But guess what? His parents kicked him out of the room. They never let him see Cameron. And then if that wasn't bad enough they come here and tried to tell you a bunch of lies to make James look like the reason Cameron is dead. No. Blame them not him," I yelled at the crowd. They looked at me then at his parents and one by one they stood up and made their way over to them.

The guys, Lexi, and I hurried out of there and to the front of the building.

"Do you know where James could have run off too?" I asked Lexi.

"No, I don't have any- Oh no. He wouldn't," she said as her eyes scanned nervously back and forth.

"What wouldn't he do?" I asked now to the point of screaming.

"I-I showed him my favorite spot to relax. It is sort of like a cliff that overlooks a lake. He wouldn't you know," she stopped unable to finish.

"We have to get there now. Move!" I shouted hurrying off to reach him in time.

James P.o.v.

As I ran off I could not believe they would say that. Now all of my family thinks I am a murderer. I can't stand it anymore. I went to the one place I could think. I hurried across the field to the place Lexi showed me. I sat down at the edge and stared out. It was the most beautiful place I had ever been to. I sighed and looked down. The water crashed against the rocks below. Suddenly a thought crossed my mind. What if I could just end it all now? All the pain, all the suffering, all the ridicule. It would be so easy. One jump and it's over. I stood up and stared down.

I heard footsteps, followed by my name being shouted repeatedly. "James. No!"

I turned around to see Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Lexi running towards me. I stepped closer to the edge. "Please don't do this," Lexi said as tears ran down her face. They were all around ten feet from me.

"I have to," I said staring straight at her.

"No you don't," Kendall said softly. "We can help you. You don't have to do this."

"You're right. I don't have to. But I want to," I said nearing the edge.

"No, James, please don't," Lexi cried out to me. "I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered. They couldn't stop me from doing this, not even Lexi. "I'm sorry."

I looked at them briefly, then looked up at the sun. I gave them a small smile, and then fell backwards off the edge. I heard them shout and scream, but it was too late. I felt the air rush by me, followed by the cool water. Then I saw nothing.

Kendall P.o.v.

I had tears down my face. He was gone. I can't believe he committed suicide. I looked over at the others. All of them were crying and Lexi was on the ground bawling her eyes out. I knelt down beside her and wrapped my arms around her.

"We will get through this. Together. I promise," I said quietly.

After a few minutes we stood up quietly and walked back to the funeral to tell them another one was in order. On our way back it started to rain, as if God himself was weeping with us. Why James? Why?

No One's P.o.v.

A lone figure crawled slowly out of the water and landed hardly on the sand. The only movement from the figure was the slow rising and falling of his chest. Blood seeped from the cut on his stomach staining the sand crimson. He let out a soft groan before falling unconscious once more.

**That is the end of this one. Tell me if you think I should make a sequel. Until next time, TurquoiseRose16 out.**


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